I had a dream last night, not as earth shattering as Martin Luther King,
I’m not that famous and important, and frankly although I was standing on a stage too, no one was listening to me. Sad isn’t it?
Now most of us might dream of receiving the Nobel Prize for Literature and then being interviewed on a national Breakfast Show, simpering as the interviewer gushed about our brilliant book – right?
Well, my dream wasn’t like that. The stage morphed into a television studio and my interview went something like this:
INT: So, I understand Lucinda that hardly anyone bought your new book?
ME: Well a few did …
INT: Looking at this pre-order number on Amazon, well it’s a disgrace.
ME: I have at least 3 fans! I’m sure they ordered one and DH promised he would …
INT: I presume you told people about it?
ME: Oh yes, I twittered and popped it on a couple of Facebook pages, but we’re always told not to spam, ‘cos then people won’t like us. So it’s difficult …
INT: Other writers manage to do it. Look at JK Rowling and that 50 shades woman, they got thousands of sales.
ME: But they weren’t indies and they …
INT: Is that your excuse? Haven’t you studied those self-help books on how those authors sold 80,000 copies in 10 minutes?
ME: Yes, but most of those were self-help books, mostly about how to sell books!
INT: That’s an answer I’ve heard so many times before. Don’t you have a product page on Facebook?
ME; Oh yes, two, one for Amie and one for my memoirs, but I can’t seem to get them to behave like my author page and …
INT: And you sent copies to all the major newspapers with a press release?
ME: Well no I haven’t done that yet …
INT: And Princes Harry and William?
ME: You’ve got to be kidding! I don’t even know their postal addresses. But I did get a street team together – but it turns out they were mostly an older generation and not many were on social media.
INT: Have you told anyone what it’s about?
ME: Well that’s a bit difficult you see, as it’s a subject that’s only talked about behind closed doors, but affects thousands of young women even here in Britain. I don’t want to give the storyline away as …
INT: Well I’ve heard of some reasons in my time but that one is the weirdest.
ME: I can tell them it’s set in Africa and Amie is a fully fledged, albeit a reluctant spy. There are lots of twists and turns and page-turning surprises. And, there is some love interest there too.
INT: Lots of steamy sex scenes?
ME: Er, no, I’m not good at writing sex scenes I get the giggles.
INT: Well there’s your answer then.
ME: That’s not fair! When did Jeffrey Archer or James Patterson insert steamy stuff into their books!
INT: They are household names and you’re not.
ME: You don’t have to keep reminding me. A few years ago I was …
INT: If there is anyone out there who is deranged enough to pick up Lucinda’s, uh, latest scribbling – what’s it called again?
ME: Amie: Cut for Life. It’s book 4 in the Amie in Africa adventure/thriller series.
At this point, I hold up the paperback book to the camera but it zooms away and focuses on the interviewer who smiles sweetly and says:
INT: Now our next interview is about a subject that’s only talked about behind closed doors, but affects thousands of young women even here in Britain today. For whatever reasons, family honour, ancient tribal custom, or an attempt to keep women from straying from their husbands by destroying any enjoyment in sex. I’m talking about female circumcision and my next guest is …
At this point I am forcibly removed from my chair and booted out the back door while trying to shout out, ‘but that’s exactly what Amie faces in Cut for Life!’
And then I wake up.
Amie Cut for Life is up on pre-order on Amazon for the exorbitant price of $/£0.99 and will be released on September 30th – in case you’re inclined to go and have a look, or you could mention it to someone? I can but dream!! myBook.to/Amie4