Once upon a time in 1989, I sat down to write a book in the pre-politically correct days. It was my very first attempt to write a full length novel – this was before I gave up teaching to write for a living – so that’s how long ago it was. Ha, I bet some of you were not even born then. Now, I’m really depressed.
Of course I was going to take the literary world by storm, you know the stuff, gala performances, entertainment on mega yachts, people queuing round blocks just to get a peek at me – only the lucky first 5,000 would get the signed copies. I’m sure it must have saved so many getting nightmares after the shock of actually seeing the real me.
But guess what happened? Hollywood – yes Hollywood!
Not for my book you understand, but someone else’s book. How dare they! They made a film called Shrek and that bore similarities to my masterpiece. You see I had also come to the same conclusion that Cinderella, common as muck, brought up in a pigsty doing manual chores would not really jell with Charming with his upper class true, blue blood lineage. And who is so say that the prim Snow White wasn’t married to a king who couldn’t keep his hands off anything in a skirt. Let’s not forget the Sleeping Beauty who’d got a name for herself as a raving nymphomaniac before she fell asleep?
Hollywood got in first, and so my masterpiece went under the bed.
Two countries and 276 years later I dusted it off and was about to shred it, when I thought – why not?
For all two of you who like my weird sense of humour on this blog, now there’s a whole book of it.
Outside the sun blazed out of a clear blue sky, the birds twittered in the trees and the peasants called happy greetings to each other as they toiled unceasingly in the fields. Inside the palace everything hummed with its usual efficiency as servants hurried to and fro, brushing the acres of carpets with toothbrushes and dusting the furniture with Q-tips.
Only those who are truly in love could sympathize with Charming’s problem. Only those who lived from second to second thinking of the object of their affections, could understand the despair in his heart. But he must be brave, tell her now, today, this morning, at breakfast.
His melancholy thoughts were interrupted by the bugler, who drew himself to his full height, clicked his heels to attention and began the fanfare.
“Oh, stuff that bloody ‘orn in yer ear” snapped Cinderella, as she attempted to sweep into the room. “Yer gives me an ‘eadache every time yer blows it. Mornin’ Charmin’.” She approached the table, padding across the blue carpet in her bare toes. “I bet there ain’t a room in this palace smaller than a football field. By rights, I should lose pounds every day wiv’ all this bloody exercise.” She flopped into a chair.
It was not a pretty sight. Large areas of royal flesh protruded from the royal housecoat, her hair was a mess and traces of last night’s make up were still clearly visible. She looked as if she’d been dragged through several hedges backwards.
“Bring me the royal kidneys, an’ the royal kippers, an’ the royal kedgeree, an’ a royal pot o’ tea,” she shrieked.
Charming winced, his darling was not in a good mood. But the very sight of her brought tears of love to his eyes. He was so lucky, where else would a man find such a perfect woman?
At long last, Unhappily Ever After is up for pre-order – very different from my other books, but I’ve had to be versatile in the past so why not now?
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DPVB4M8
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01DPVB4M8
Can I do the grovelling bit here and plead and beg and exhort – you get the picture – to please re-blog this and spread the word. I will be eternally grateful. Please send your bribes in a plain brown envelope and I’ll write out the checks.
Have a great weekend.
Wonderful!! Very good blog, I have that jpg image anyway, so I’ll scoot in and do what I do, including reviews on all platforms. Gabi
Gabi Plumm gabiplumm@bigpond.com 0404025139 https://www.facebook.com/plummproof Manuscripts, websites, blogs, assignments: Appraisals, copyediting and proofreading
From: lucinda E Clarke Reply-To: lucinda E Clarke Date: Saturday, 2 April 2016 9:01 pm To: Gabi Plumm Subject: [New post] FED UP WITH BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT?
WordPress.com Lucinda E Clarke posted: “Once upon a time in 1989, I sat down to write a book in the pre-politically correct days. It was my very first attempt to write a full length novel â this was before I gave up teaching to write for a living â so thatâs how long ago it was. Ha, I bet some “
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Thanks Gabi and after all your hard work editing and re-editing and re-editing you should get a huge mention as well. 🙂 OK sol it lookks on the Big Book pager as if you and Luke wrote it but as long as the pennies come my way 🙂
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Reblogged this on Frank Parker's author site and commented:
Who likes wry humour? Take a look at this.
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Thank you so much Frank 🙂
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I love the cover of this one! Let me know if you want some help promoting it! 😉
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Oh yes I do I do I do, please, please, please!!!! 🙂
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Reblogged this on A Good Blog is Hard to Find and commented:
Check out Lucinda’s New Book Release “Unhappily Ever After!” -OM
Note: Comments disabled here. Please visit their blog.
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Have pre-ordered mine and can’t wait to read it! 🙂
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Thanks for checking her book out Judy! I appreciate you doing that!
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I love the sound of this book and can’t wait to read it. 🙂
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It is always nice to see authors supporting each other!
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Absolutely! 🙂
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I do hope you enjoy it Judy 🙂
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I am sure I will 🙂
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I shared your post on my Facebook page, not that I have very many friends. I’ll also buy a copy because I loved what I read so far!
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Ah thank you Dinata. It’s out now in paperback, but the pre-order is up, and it’s very cheap! Publish date 14th April.
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I found you through Opinionated Man and I am sure glad I did! Very well done.
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I am so glad. Good to connect.
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Reblogged this on manxbull and commented:
This looks like one for me…
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I hope you check her book out!
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Along the lines of Tom Sharpe, or the Carry On series, or even The Two Ronnies. Naughty but not erotic, I’ve yet to write a proper sex scene!
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Sounds like a fantastic book!!!! Good on you for taking it out from under the bed and still go for it!
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Ah thank you 🙂 I’ve also got a children’s book gathering fluff under there too. I may drag that out as well later this year.
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This sounds like my kind of humour, and I think it will be much appreciated.
What about the children’s book you have there too? What age group is it for? Get it out! If this is your style, then children will lap it up!
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I hope you like the book Alex. 🙂 But don’t try it out on the children! Let them dream of fairyland where the beautiful princess marries the handsome prince. In real life of course royal children were not much more than meat, married off to the most politically advantaged, even if they were hunchbacked, spotty, dribbled and incontinent.
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Reblogged this on Jana Petken and commented:
A very funny, wet your pants book
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[…] Lucinda E Clarke Don’t get me started on political correctness… […]
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Then you might find this book a refreshing change – the peasants are downtrodden, illiterate, thick and stupid and the characters are not afraid to discuss this quite openly 🙂 It’s a historical novel of sorts 🙂
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Pre-ordered! Looking forward to reading it!
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I do hope you enjoy it and it gives you lots of laughs – not to be taken too seriously of course!
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Reblogged this on upwardspiral and commented:
I think I must read this at some time! Until then, maybe you have the time?
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Thank you for the re-blog Michelle, it’s so hard to get the word out, so much appreciated.
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Just downloaded the book. Can’t wait 🙂
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I am very curious to know what you think of it Christoph !
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