FED UP WITH BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT?

Once upon a time in 1989, I sat down to write a book in the pre-politically correct days. It was my very first attempt to write a full length novel – this was before I gave up teaching to write for a living – so that’s how long ago it was. Ha, I bet some of you were not even born then. Now, I’m really depressed.

Of course I was going to take the literary world by storm, you know the stuff, gala performances, entertainment on mega yachts, people queuing round blocks just to get a peek at me – only the lucky first 5,000 would get the signed copies. I’m sure it must have saved so many getting nightmares after the shock of actually seeing the real me.

But guess what happened? Hollywood – yes Hollywood!

Hollywood_Sign

Not for my book you understand, but someone else’s book. How dare they! They made a film called Shrek and that bore similarities to my masterpiece. You see I had also come to the same conclusion that Cinderella, common as muck, brought up in a pigsty doing manual chores would not really jell with Charming with his upper class true, blue blood lineage. And who is so say that the prim Snow White wasn’t married to a king who couldn’t keep his hands off anything in a skirt. Let’s not forget the Sleeping Beauty who’d got a name for herself as a raving nymphomaniac before she fell asleep?

Hollywood got in first, and so my masterpiece went under the bed.

Two countries and 276 years later I dusted it off and was about to shred it, when I thought – why not?

For all two of you who like my weird sense of humour on this blog, now there’s a whole book of it.

Outside the sun blazed out of a clear blue sky, the birds twittered in the trees and the peasants called happy greetings to each other as they toiled unceasingly in the fields. Inside the palace everything hummed with its usual efficiency as servants hurried to and fro, brushing the acres of carpets with toothbrushes and dusting the furniture with Q-tips.

Only those who are truly in love could sympathize with Charming’s problem. Only those who lived from second to second thinking of the object of their affections, could understand the despair in his heart. But he must be brave, tell her now, today, this morning, at breakfast.

His melancholy thoughts were interrupted by the bugler, who drew himself to his full height, clicked his heels to attention and began the fanfare.

“Oh, stuff that bloody ‘orn in yer ear” snapped Cinderella, as she attempted to sweep into the room. “Yer gives me an ‘eadache every time yer blows it. Mornin’ Charmin’.” She approached the table, padding across the blue carpet in her bare toes. “I bet there ain’t a room in this palace smaller than a football field. By rights, I should lose pounds every day wiv’ all this bloody exercise.” She flopped into a chair.

It was not a pretty sight. Large areas of royal flesh protruded from the royal housecoat, her hair was a mess and traces of last night’s make up were still clearly visible. She looked as if she’d been dragged through several hedges backwards.

“Bring me the royal kidneys, an’ the royal kippers, an’ the royal kedgeree, an’ a royal pot o’ tea,” she shrieked.

Charming winced, his darling was not in a good mood. But the very sight of her brought tears of love to his eyes. He was so lucky, where else would a man find such a perfect woman?

UEA_3D_cover

At long last, Unhappily Ever After is up for pre-order – very different from my other books, but I’ve had to be versatile in the past so why not now?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DPVB4M8

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01DPVB4M8

Can I do the grovelling bit here and plead and beg and exhort – you get the picture – to please re-blog this and spread the word. I will be eternally grateful. Please send your bribes in a plain brown envelope and I’ll write out the checks.

Have a great weekend.

 

 

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34 thoughts on “FED UP WITH BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT?

  1. Wonderful!! Very good blog, I have that jpg image anyway, so I’ll scoot in and do what I do, including reviews on all platforms. Gabi

    Gabi Plumm gabiplumm@bigpond.com 0404025139 https://www.facebook.com/plummproof Manuscripts, websites, blogs, assignments: Appraisals, copyediting and proofreading

    From: lucinda E Clarke Reply-To: lucinda E Clarke Date: Saturday, 2 April 2016 9:01 pm To: Gabi Plumm Subject: [New post] FED UP WITH BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT?

    WordPress.com Lucinda E Clarke posted: “Once upon a time in 1989, I sat down to write a book in the pre-politically correct days. It was my very first attempt to write a full length novel – this was before I gave up teaching to write for a living – so that’s how long ago it was. Ha, I bet some “

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    • Thanks Gabi and after all your hard work editing and re-editing and re-editing you should get a huge mention as well. 🙂 OK sol it lookks on the Big Book pager as if you and Luke wrote it but as long as the pennies come my way 🙂

      Like

  2. This sounds like my kind of humour, and I think it will be much appreciated.

    What about the children’s book you have there too? What age group is it for? Get it out! If this is your style, then children will lap it up!

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    • I hope you like the book Alex. 🙂 But don’t try it out on the children! Let them dream of fairyland where the beautiful princess marries the handsome prince. In real life of course royal children were not much more than meat, married off to the most politically advantaged, even if they were hunchbacked, spotty, dribbled and incontinent.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Then you might find this book a refreshing change – the peasants are downtrodden, illiterate, thick and stupid and the characters are not afraid to discuss this quite openly 🙂 It’s a historical novel of sorts 🙂

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