I’M BACK AND REUNITED WITH MY LAP TOP – NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS 2016

I have lots to blog about THE Big trip, but first I want to share with you my New Year resolutions for 2016. I may be a bit late, but we are only in the second month of the year, and I have already made a great start. So, here goes in no particular order:-

• Post a stunning new avatar showing me as absolutely drop dead gorgeous.
• Make the
• NYT bestsellers list.
• Receive a movie offer for Amie.
• Earn millions in royalties from my books.
• Appear on the Oprah show.
• 
• Now I can hear the screams of disbelief from here and some of you are already penning condolence cards, but I can assure you that each one of these is achievable.Firstly I have already booked the plastic surgeon for the facial reconstruction, and I understand if I travel over to London, there are studios where they do amazing things with wigs and make up and so on. There are just so many gorgeous young authors out there with dazzling promo pics – sigh – but I am going to rectify that this year.
• 
• The NYT list? On our urbanization we have a notice board and my neighbour has said she will mention my books as bestsellers (well 3 of the 5 of them have been, briefly, bestsellers) at the bottom of her New Yearly Tracking report which she will pin up in the little glass box near the dustbins.
• 
• She may also put it in the other information box which has a light in it, so people can read about me at night!
• 
• Another kind neighbour has suggested that we make a movie of Amie, and if I star in it – to keep costs down –  and we use the piece of waste ground at the back of the supermarket, that could look just like Africa. He can add the wildlife in with Photoshop later on. We are busy planning this right now.Royalties in the millions? Already I am well on my way to achieving this and it’s only February! And in two currencies, the Vietnamese Dong and the Laotian Kip. Exchange rates as of today is US$1 = 22,382.50 VD.
• 
• And I have promised to go on the Oprah show, which will be sometime in early June. Oprah runs the local crèche and she asks people in for a ‘show and tell’ on a Monday. Sadly she does not want me to talk about my books, as the little ones can’t read, but could I please show some of my photos from the Big Trip. Ah well, you can’t win them all.
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• Me washing elephants – or rather, trying to….
• I don’t suppose Ophah’s little ones would be the slightest bit interested in Williamanmary either, but we had got as far as their stage appearance last November.
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• (Not sure what that little angel is doing there, probably better not to ask).
• The English began to think James was boring and, what was worse, a Catholic, so they invited Williamanmary over from Holland to sit on the throne. And just as a refresher, you may remember that James II ran away when the people got cross with him and this was called the Glorious Revolution and please don’t ask me why. Why? Because I don’t know.Everyone was really happy about this (except maybe James II and his friends), as Mary was a protestor.

  When they had told her she was to marry this William fellow from Holland, she had cried for a full day and a night. He was also a close cousin, which did not bode well either – more inbreeding.

  She was playing cards when she received the news that her father had hopped onto the throne of England and she was now heir presumptive. The doctor was called immediately but there was nothing much he could do for her. Then William surprised her by suddenly telling her he was 4^th in line to the throne of England.

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Portrait by Sir Godfrey Kneller

So when James legged it they were both offered the throne. Luckily it was a large one and they could just about squeeze on together. William was of course quite keen as it was a huge step up from being Stadtholder in Orange – basically an official – to becoming king of England. The pay was so much better and it came with a nice set of new clothes for the coronation.

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