INFO FOR CRIMINALS, MESSAGE FROM AMIE & WILLAMANMARY

Sadly, this will possibly be the last ‘me’ blog for a while as the Big Trip looms. I will be laptopless for over two months and struggling to manage on the iPad.

Now I agonized big time worrying if I should mention why I was about to drop off the social media circuit for such a long time. Would some gentle soul post a virtual wreath on my timeline, or write rude things about me because I hadn’t replied to their comments, emails and such? Or, worst of all, in late February, would people be asking “Lucinda E Clarke? Who the hell is she?”

But of course the problem is, if you tell the world you’re not going to be at home for a while, it’s an open invitation for every scoundrel on the planet to come and relieve you of all your belongings.

So if you are planning to track down my ISP and raid our tiny home I should mention the following facts.

In South Africa we had burglar bars on all our windows. We have them here in Spain too, only they are called wreckers/reckers/recas (you choose), which are ornamental steel bars, now a cultural feature of adornment, once introduced by the Moors to protect their ladies from randy Spanish youths. So, it’s not going to be easy to break in.

Next, I must tell you about our neighbour. Now DH says he thinks he’s in the witness protection programme for squealing on the Mafia, but let me tell you he’s big, really big and hairy, and very, very fierce. He apparently has a black belt, or whatever colour is applicable at the top end of every marshal arts known to man. And, he owns a gun, a large one. He has promised to keep a close eye on our rabbit hutch. And he has several friends who look equally ‘capable’ and who visit him frequently. Even his girlfriend could be a candidate for the Strong Man Championships.

Last, and certainly least we have absolutely nothing worth breaking in for. No stashes of money (manic laughter here), no jewellery, no share certificates, not even this laptop – the CIA / MI6 will be taking it into custody for safe keeping.

I shall be taking with me my iPad, my phone and the €3.75 I have been saving all year as my spending money. I won’t give those up easily either.

Now I read with horror on one of those ‘proper’ blogs that to make lots of sales and really connect with people I should be blogging at least 3 times a week, and mention my books in every other line. That would be so ‘showing off’ wouldn’t it? But here is a quick update on my plans.

I will be launching my comedy book ‘Unhappily ever After – A fairy tale for grown ups’ – in March and then hopefully by September/October Amie 3 should be out.

Amie would like to thank everyone for their very kind words about her adventures.

A message from Amie.

Dear Readers,

Can’t you do something about Lucinda E Clarke? She’s getting out of hand. I’ve just read the first line of her next book about me and the opening sentence reads:

The tears ran down Amie’s face as she watched them lower the coffin into the freshly dug grave.

I think she’s gone too far this time and someone needs to put a stop to her. This form of abuse must be illegal surely? I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Great New Year and spare a thought for me facing a very uncertain future in 2016.

I promised you the gruesome bit about James II last week remember? Do you have the valium nearby?

James died of a brain haemorrhage in his little cottage in the French countryside. They removed his heart –

which was given to a convent in a silver-gilt locket. (I’m no surgeon, but it must have been a &*&^ big locket – would you want to wear round your neck?) Next they placed his brain in a lead casket which was sent to a college in Paris. (Purleeease don’t ask me why).

His entrails were packed into two gilt urns and sent to a parish church and another college and the flesh from his right arm sent to another group of nuns. (I was going to post a picture of entrails but they were just too gruesome, so please imagine them for yourselves).

His body – what was left of it – was laid to rest in a triple sarcophagus, two of wood, one of lead in St Jacques in Paris. Then he was buried? Er, no. He was left in a side chapel.

For 31 years they burned candles around the coffin until his tomb was raided during the French revolution.

 Pic Fin Fahay

At least in this statue he still looks all in one piece, that was kind wasn’t it?

Time for WilliamanMary to enter stage left, but that will have to wait a while. I’m sure they won’t mind.

A final word. A huge thanks to those people who have included and recommended my books in their reading choice for the holiday season. If I get a spare minute this week I will be posting my favourite reads from over a hundred books I have read this year.

Have a wonderful holiday.