TREES, BABIES AND MANY EDWARDS

Those people who know me well, will probably agree that I am passionate and by that I mean when I have a reason or cause, I go for it – big time. I am passionate about my writing, I was passionate about my film-making – but you would have to ask DH (Dear Husband) about the other kind of passion 🙂  I have also been passionate about my two other strong beliefs, and I’ve often been told to get off my soap box and shut up. Ah, but here I have free reign don’t I?  My other two passions are trees and babies. Too few trees, and too many babies.

Every time I’ve ever logged on to one of the population sites and watched the figures flying past as they record the number of world births, it sends a shiver down my spine. How can the world sustain so many people? How long will our resources hold out? They are not infinite and the long term view has to be more poverty, more deprivation and the prospect of being born into a world that is less than kind.

While I can coo and gurgle when introduced to a new baby, I have to admit, my mind is already calculating the odds. Those statistics spring to mind of ‘take two mice, producing a litter every few weeks, and after 6 months there will be…’ I’m sure you get the picture.

At the same time we are cutting down trees at a phenomenal rate, those plants which create the balance between the air we breathe in and the air we breath out.

Why can’t the world agree on replacement numbers of people only, so we can all share the earth’s resources and all enjoy a good standard of living, with food, homes and work for everyone. At least that would be a start on the road to world peace and a happy, healthy, balanced population.

Goodness, it must be Friday for me to be so serious this morning, time for some lunacy, and you have to admit, the kings and queens were somewhere on the lunatic fringe. Most of them were so desperate to hang on to power, so they would not have to do any housework, and have lots of servants to do all the ironing and clean their muddy boots.

So, we left Edward I giggling over the Stone of Scone in Westminster Abbey and at war with the Scotch.

But the Scotch were not going to take that lying down, oh no! They knew that reclining on wet heather gave you piles anyway.

BRAVEHEART 2The Scots invaded again under William Wallace, who was promptly captured and treated with SAVAGE FEROCITY by Edward.

WILLIAM WALLACEDid you notice that William Wallace bears a very strong resemblance to Mel Gibson? And look, they are still painting their faces blue. Make-up was still all the rage in those days, especially if you were popping out in the morning for a quick fight.

EDWARD I  2Here is another portrait of Edward I. It’s an unofficial one, note his artistic hands. There was a rumour that he was once approached by the Fairy Liquid company for one of their dish-washing commercials, but he turned them down flat in favour of a better offer from Dove.

However soon after, Edward died of either suffocation or dysentery, at a place called Barrow in the sands and was succeeded by his worthless son Edward II.

To be continued…..

WHO IS CAROLINE? WHAT DID EDWARD DO?

Who is Caroline reminds me of that dreadful song “Who is Sylvia? What is she?” [With abject apologies to the songwriter and anyone who recorded it] but we had to sing it in school. I think our teacher had a special passion for it. I remember it because the boys sitting behind us would carefully untie the bows from the sashes round our waist and then tie them to the rungs of the chairs. When we stood up we took the chairs with us and it hurt, it hurt a lot.

And that wasn’t all. Can you imagine the suggestions the boys made as to where Sylvia was and what she was doing? But this is a clean blog, so add in your own thoughts please. You don’t need me to spell them out here.

Back to Caroline. I started ‘Truth Lies and Propaganda’ by saying I was going to kill her. At the end of the book, I had not decided, so she appears again at the beginning of ‘More Truth, Lies and Propaganda. It’s only at the end of the book I describe her demise. Would anyone like to have a guess how she died? The best answer will get an e.book copy of ‘More TLP’ on the day before it is published. Beta readers and editors are not allowed to enter though! So they must keep it a secret!

For those who were puzzled, I must explain that Caroline is purely a figment of my imagination and she is only used as an example of how writers can do whatever they like in their books. I hope that explains the part she (doesn’t) play in the book.

Now we’ve disposed with Caroline, back to Edward I – actually he’s dead too.

SONY DSCThat’s not him by the way, but these guys are here to illustrate the Scottish people. Because, having decimated several thousand Turks at Nazareth, Edward decided to hammer the Scots. In this way, Scotland now comes right into history.

There’s the hammer he used.

HAMMERThe childless Scotch King Alexander the Great had trotted over a cliff and was thus dead, so the Scots asked Edward to tell them who was King of Scotland. Edward refused to tell them so the Scots crossed the border and ravaged Cumberland with SAVAGE FEROCITY.

STONE OF SCONEStone of Scone hidden under chair.

In reply, Edward also crossed the border, and carried off the Stone of Scone, used for all the Scottish coronations, and buried it deep in Westminster Abbey. No one thought to look for it under a chair, so it was a very clever hiding place. Hidden in plain view until some students stole it.

To add insult to injury all the kings of England sat in this chair when they were crowned so they pretended they were kings of Scotland as well. The Scotch did not like this. So next time you will find out what they did.